Value of Things

I'll just jump right in. I'd like to teach my daughter to value things. And by things I don't just mean inanimate objects, but everything. Including objects, living things, semi-living things.

Why? Just because I do. I believe everything is made of some special substance if you will, or energy, or qi, or some other respectable word that we can attach to the molecules and atoms that our world is made of. I guess I just have respect for the molecules and atoms. I think they're all special creations that allow our world to exist. And I'd like to treat them with respect, and pass this value on.

So, how do we pass this on...

1. Less is more: 

When there is scarcity of something people need, that thing is valued. As it becomes increasingly more abundant, its value diminishes. Sounds a lot like the law of diminishing returns from economics class. I will take the concept even further to say that often the value of many things is less than the value of one or a few.

And yet our world strives for abundance and over-abundance. Most above poverty level households are over-run by things. Internet businesses are sponsored by marketing and are flourishing because we love to shop so much. And yet, it seems the more we have, the more we want, and the less we appreciate it.

I can't change our culture and the multi-billion dollar marketing industry, but I can change our home. And so, we strive to minimize. We don't buy a lot. We don't buy things that are trendy, or that we believe are hazardous to the environment or people. We give away things that we haven't used for a while, because chances are we won't, and someone else may.

We bought very few of the must-have new baby items, and found that we didn't need the rest. Our daughter has few toys, and many of the ones she has are rotated (not the favorites), so that she doesn't have access to all of them and there is novelty when she re-discovers them every so often. (There's a wonderful book on this topic - Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne.)

If we place our attention on one or a few things, we will know them. If our attention is spread over many, how well can we know or in turn appreciate each one? And so, by limiting the number of things in our home, I hope the things we do have gain more meaning and value, to us and our kids.

2. Integration

Most of us live so much immersed in our lives and sheltered from the rest of the world or even many parts of our world, that it is easy to forget about its existence (even while reading/watching the news).

For example: many people buy a gadget but are psychologically very removed from the factory it is made in, or the factory workers who labor to make them, or the immense pollution output just from the production of this one gadget, or what happens once it is disposed of. I don't think it's because people aren't empathetic or don't care about those effects, but are rather removed, disconnected, disintegrated.

And so, we try to re-integrate as much as possible. We think about where something comes from, and where it's going after we are done with it. My husband actually drives much of these efforts (particularly the waste management):

-- We compost food scraps so they don't end up in plastic bags in overflowing landfills producing greenhouse gasses. For those of us who don't have outdoor space for a composter, this is becoming increasingly user-friendly in our part of the world - Brooklyn, as many farmer's markets provide drop-offs.

-- We buy things used as much as we can so that we don't contribute to the side-effects of mass production (mainly pollution) and so that things that can be re-used don't end up being disposed of. Likewise we try to sell or give away anything we don't need, rather than throwing it out. We reuse a lot of things that are typically thrown out because they can be  cheaply replaced if need be. We try not to use disposable items.

-- We think about where our food comes from and try to buy produce that is manufactured by processes we believe are least harmful to the world. This usually means organic and local. Likewise with animal products. In turn, I believe these foods are healthier for us.

And we're certainly not perfect in our efforts, because despite our beliefs we still use disposable diapers. I tried cloth, and so much wanted to like them, but they didn't work for me. We'll try again with the next one! So, certainly no judgments of anyone who doesn't do the above! The things we do evolved over years of little moments of awareness, sometimes with a little nudge from the other person, sometimes a little kick. So we're still learning and figuring it out. But I have noticed that the more we do these things, the more sensitivity we develop, and from that emerges a higher respect for everything.

There are other things that we do, but they're not as important as the underlying message: that it's important for us to be aware of and integrate all aspects of a "thing", which is more easily accomplished when there are less to spread our attention on. And doing so, leads us to treat things with more thought, consideration, and in turn respect.

And of course, learning to respect all people and living beings is a pretty involved subject, and worthy of its own post :)

No Good, No Bad

I'd like to talk about an idea, which is very much not my own, but I'd like to put it in the context of our family.

We don't like to label things (nouns mostly) as good or bad. As in a good toy, a good person, a good behavior. Likewise with bad.

This is a very applicable concept to child-rearing, since our culture seems so engrossed in good and bad. We have child psychologists (the authorities) speak about good behavior and bad behavior, and the positive and negative reinforcement of such. We have movies, books, shows, every media possible where the good fight the bad. There are some independent films that defy this duality, however, they are low budget and stand little chance against hollywood and mass media in shaping little minds (or big ones).

Everywhere we turn there is a duality – good vs. bad. But the beautiful concept which the aforementioned indie films examine is that most things aren't good or bad. Not only do most things/concepts possess each, but the context is important as well. For anyone familiar with the concept of Yin and Yang, as my fellow acupuncturists are, good and bad is likening a thing to strictly be yin or yang. And that just doesn't explain its true nature.

And back to child-rearing. One big area where I'd like to avoid such labeling is behavior. If my child gets angry and breaks a treasured kitchen utensil of mine (because I imagine we'll eventually get to that stage), I don't want to label it as her doing a bad thing. Because at its essence it is a thing subjectively bad to me, because I no longer have the treasured possession, and it brings up sadness and probably anger for me. And so it is an action that makes mommy upset because she no longer has a thing she really enjoys (or some other variation of that).

Why is the distinction important? Because I don't want my daughter to do “good” things because she is seeking my approval, but because she recognizes the consequences of her actions and doesn't want to cause harm to others. And also because the labeling of good and bad is only fuzzily clear at a young age, and becomes more and more blurry with age. It is culturally dependent and very much subjective. And I don't want my child to be a slave to our culture (many points of which I would argue to be harmful to others). I want her to be able to think out for herself why she should do one thing over another because she relies on seeing the consequences of her actions.

There are many other reasons I'd like to avoid the duality in our household, but I'll mention just one  that is dear to my heart. It has always bothered me greatly to hear people labeled as good or bad. And so, I find it hard to enjoy most popular media (i.e. good triumphs over the bad – people usually). And no, I don't live in a bubble, and I know people do harmful things (in fact very very harmful things), and I know there are people called psychopaths because they do not have emotive recognition of hurting another being. However, aside from the far and few between extreme cases that I don't want to address here (nor have the knowledge to), most people are a collection of qualities that lead to either beneficial or harmful behaviors, usually with a complex mix of the two, all in one day. And I know these people have life stories, and carry around their own pain and suffering. And so, I don't think that I, or anyone else, should be in a position to judge them. And I'd like to instill that in my kids. So, yes there are behaviors that are harmful (even bad if you must), but not bad people.

On a last note I would like to add that while this is an ideal, we have our share of slip-ups. As in - my little daughter does something I ask and I say “oh that was so good”, and there's my husband nudging me “um, good?”. “I mean, thank you, that was so helpful to mommy!” :)

An introduction

I'm a parent. And I believe in a world where people care about one another. My deepest wish for my daughter is to help, in her own unique way, make the world a better place. We create our future world in the way we raise our children, the values we open and they build their future upon, and the degree to which we help their innate beauty and spirit to manifest.

The One World I envision and hope to pass down to my children has a core of compassion and peace and love. Everything else follows. Just that simple.

In each of my parenting decisions I ask myself the question - "will this bring out my child's innate goodness and nourish her spirit"? And then we make our decisions and parenting choices.

I don't believe there is one right way that applies to everyone. Well, perhaps there is on the deepest level, as there is some universal truth, but I believe we are all lenses through which it filters. And so it looks different through each of us, but is no less valid. There is beauty in our subjectivity, that should not be destroyed with dogmas and pragmatism. One World in not about one way :)

And so I hope to record some of my parenting thoughts with all this in mind!

On a lighter note, we are a Brooklynite family. Dad is an IT guy, but with a philosopher's way of questioning the meaning...well just about everything. Mom is an acupuncturist and a yogi who dabbled in some graduate mathematics before discovering her deeper roots in healing. Baby is 20 months, and some would call "feisty". We think she's the sweetest little monkey in the world with a very big spirit. I hope to let you in on some of our adventures and on how we try to introduce the One World vision to her.