No Good, No Bad

I'd like to talk about an idea, which is very much not my own, but I'd like to put it in the context of our family.

We don't like to label things (nouns mostly) as good or bad. As in a good toy, a good person, a good behavior. Likewise with bad.

This is a very applicable concept to child-rearing, since our culture seems so engrossed in good and bad. We have child psychologists (the authorities) speak about good behavior and bad behavior, and the positive and negative reinforcement of such. We have movies, books, shows, every media possible where the good fight the bad. There are some independent films that defy this duality, however, they are low budget and stand little chance against hollywood and mass media in shaping little minds (or big ones).

Everywhere we turn there is a duality – good vs. bad. But the beautiful concept which the aforementioned indie films examine is that most things aren't good or bad. Not only do most things/concepts possess each, but the context is important as well. For anyone familiar with the concept of Yin and Yang, as my fellow acupuncturists are, good and bad is likening a thing to strictly be yin or yang. And that just doesn't explain its true nature.

And back to child-rearing. One big area where I'd like to avoid such labeling is behavior. If my child gets angry and breaks a treasured kitchen utensil of mine (because I imagine we'll eventually get to that stage), I don't want to label it as her doing a bad thing. Because at its essence it is a thing subjectively bad to me, because I no longer have the treasured possession, and it brings up sadness and probably anger for me. And so it is an action that makes mommy upset because she no longer has a thing she really enjoys (or some other variation of that).

Why is the distinction important? Because I don't want my daughter to do “good” things because she is seeking my approval, but because she recognizes the consequences of her actions and doesn't want to cause harm to others. And also because the labeling of good and bad is only fuzzily clear at a young age, and becomes more and more blurry with age. It is culturally dependent and very much subjective. And I don't want my child to be a slave to our culture (many points of which I would argue to be harmful to others). I want her to be able to think out for herself why she should do one thing over another because she relies on seeing the consequences of her actions.

There are many other reasons I'd like to avoid the duality in our household, but I'll mention just one  that is dear to my heart. It has always bothered me greatly to hear people labeled as good or bad. And so, I find it hard to enjoy most popular media (i.e. good triumphs over the bad – people usually). And no, I don't live in a bubble, and I know people do harmful things (in fact very very harmful things), and I know there are people called psychopaths because they do not have emotive recognition of hurting another being. However, aside from the far and few between extreme cases that I don't want to address here (nor have the knowledge to), most people are a collection of qualities that lead to either beneficial or harmful behaviors, usually with a complex mix of the two, all in one day. And I know these people have life stories, and carry around their own pain and suffering. And so, I don't think that I, or anyone else, should be in a position to judge them. And I'd like to instill that in my kids. So, yes there are behaviors that are harmful (even bad if you must), but not bad people.

On a last note I would like to add that while this is an ideal, we have our share of slip-ups. As in - my little daughter does something I ask and I say “oh that was so good”, and there's my husband nudging me “um, good?”. “I mean, thank you, that was so helpful to mommy!” :)